... You must first want help and then pursue counseling. If you want to save your marriage, for the love of God, don't go to marriage counseling. Such decisions have devastating effects on future generations. The only psychological part of marriage is individual. Why is getting to know you or the “problems” necessary for a therapist to help your marriage? Remember, its a business. That’s the right way. Psychological studies are loose, at best, often building on ideas they found, and liked, in other ‘loose’ studies, that were “accepted” by an academic board. But he explained that he wanted to be part of The Marriage Foundation anyway. It could be alignment, tire pressure, or… no matter what the cause is, you would expect a “professional” to know their stuff well enough to tell you. It means there is a build up of knowledge, and a lot of “testing” of protocols. But psychological training for marriage counseling is not standardized. However, this is not what happens in most marriages. The depth of the hole you may have dug yourself into is barely an issue. We Appreciate You!! The inherent randomness may be reasonable for individual therapy, which is known to be more of an art form than a science, but is immorally destructive for marriages. There is a winner, a loser, or a fair deal. Will Marriage Counseling Destroy Your Marriage, Too? When one does something that terribly hurts the other, or their marriage, the “reasons why”, the causes, are always traceable to things lacking in the couple’s underlying lack of understanding, and it shows up in the way they behave. Hard data is good for organizations like ours, because our counselors can tell parents how their children are likely to do if they get a divorce, when asked. Occasionally, one of the couple will think they were “heard” and that the other, now “knows”, and will make changes; that never happens. And the way we have set up our program will show you how to achieve that ideal of happiness…so try! Remember the “venting” phase, when people were told to “let it all out”? But that’s because our world is generally “behind” in understanding marriage. My step children put stuff in my food and are just horrible. Excuses are not useful. That’s evil. Then, because we shift your focus to the positive vision of marriage, and behaviors that are natural to marriage, you soon realize an authentic understanding of marriage. We are not talking about cases of physical abuse or of potential threat to one’s life. Now only the most “dizzy” psychologist would ever suggest venting. A pox on those evil therapists! But negotiation and arbitration do nothing to train the couple for marriage, instead those become the quickest route to failure. In contrast, when you systematically stop the cycles, the current problems will gradually lose their power over you. It’s true, a good therapist may be able to help an individual overcome their individual flaws, but they should never do so in front of the other spouse. Not just words on paper, that wouldn’t help anyone. Marriage is not a business, where problems need immediate solutions. In marriage, the happier you try to make your spouse, the better off you both will be. You are an individual first and foremost, so communicating “problems” is problematic. It doesn’t work that way in marriage. The combination of an online tutorial and access to our trained and loving counselors is the best way I know of to heal any marriage as quickly and effectively as is humanly possible. You must proactively do your part. Marriage Fitness with Mort Fertel is an alternative to counseling. Wealthy people are fed the same lines. So its not worth listing more. While individual therapy is helpful for individuals, it is often counterproductive for couples going through marital problems. The underlying dynamics of your marriage are always the roots of the problems. They want help and they need a roadmap for healing. Which brings me back to Jean, our therapist. A court may hire a psychologist to test for insanity, or a person’s ability to handle money etc. Very very horrible. Similarly, when you work on the underlying dynamics of your marriage, the problems (a therapist wants to address) will disappear as a matter of course. Today is the worst day of my life, and have no friends I can share my pain with. Its just impossible to understand marriage based on data. 13. Ouch! That is how we at TMF see it, and that is realistic. Individually, some therapists experiment with new protocols of their own design; writing new books and selling “cures” as fast as “latest” diets are created. You should be able to expect that any professional you hire, for whatever purpose, can do what you want done, according to basic knowledge; and not use you as a source of income, or for their own experimentation. But it is not, and there is however, a MUCH better way to begin your efforts. My husband’s anger is ruining our marriage… If you are searching for a solution to this situation, take heart. All that you stated above I … You need to understand how to create the wonderful underlying dynamics of marriage, as well as avoid feeding your detrimental habits, those that undermine individual and mutual happiness. Article Tags: – In my earlier days I was introduced to a wonderful therapist, Paul Hagenburger (unfortunately he passed away too soon). I have tried to give them all the love but they always do their worse. Everything is guaranteed for 90 days. Here are three ways in which individual therapy may make your relationship issues worse: I am amazed at how therapists can draw conclusions about the other spouse without ever meeting him or her. Nearly all marriage problems, including poor communication (the most common complaint), are symptoms of the underlying dynamics of your marriage. My heart is broken when I hear about young couples with little kids getting divorced. Happiness is the goal of marriage, and it is quite a different goal than just trying to be productive, as in business. 8. Its the first thing to address, so you can stop sliding, get your bearings, and get moving in the right direction. But we are most thankful for those marriages we help. 9. Even marriage counselors who have good reputations are not usually good at helping marriages. 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